This pioneering book explores the impact of ADHD on a couple’s sex life and relationship. It explains how a better sex life will benefit your relationship (and vice versa) and why that’s especially important for couples with one partner with ADHD.
Grounded in innovative research, ADHD After Dark draws on data from a survey of over 3000 adults in a couple where one partner has ADHD. Written from the author’s unique perspective as both an expert in ADHD and a certified sex therapist, the book describes the many effects of ADHD on couples’ sex lives and happiness, covering areas such as negotiating sexual differences, performance problems, low desire, porn, making time for sex, infidelity, and more. The book outlines key principles for a great sex life for couples with ADHD and offers strategies and treatment interventions where specific issues arise.
Written in a readable and entertaining style, ADHD After Dark offers clear information on sexuality and relationships and is full of valuable advice on how to improve both. This guide will be an essential read for adults with ADHD, as well as their partners or spouses, and therapists who work with ADHD clients and couples.
Acknowledgments
Introduction: Good Sex is Extra Important for Couples With ADHD
Sex is Important
The Double-Edged Sword of Sex
How to Read This Book
Some Disclaimers
SECTION I
The Lay of the Land: Research Results
Introduction: Better Sex Through Statistics:
The ADHD Relationship Sex Survey
The ADHD Relationship Sex Survey
Take the Survey Yourself
Nice Numbers!
I Only Care if it’s Useful
Some Minor and Major Number Crunching
Remember, Everybody’s Got Something
It’s All Good
Cut to the Chase: Give Me the Important Lessons!
1 In Their Own Words
Non-ADHD Women
ADHD Women
Non-ADHD Men
ADHD Men
In Conclusion
2 How ADHD Impacts Sex and Relationships
Surprising Findings
From Bad to Worse?
Early is Easy
Early is Easy in Bed, Too
Sexual Frequency
Masturbation to Make Up the Difference?
Sexual Barriers and Masturbation Frequency
Porn Use Frequency
Partner’s Porn Use Frequency
Sexual Barriers and Porn Use
Porn Use Feelings
Huh? Distracted Sex
Sexual Effort is Imbalanced, Too
Sexual Variety
Kinkiness
Physical and Emotional Infidelity
Consensual Nonmonogamy
Barriers to a More Satisfying Sex Life
The Sexual Eagerness Cluster
The Big Three: Sexual Frequency, Sexual Satisfaction, and Relationship Satisfaction
Bridge the Divide
Take Away Lessons
3 Make the Most of Treatment
How Hard Are You Working At it?
I’m Working Harder Than You Are
Treatment Effort Matters More Than You Think
Maximizing Treatment Effectiveness
Take Away Lessons
Role Models: What Can We Learn From the Happiest Couples?
Beware of Negative Momentum
The Big Drivers of Satisfaction
Follow the Leaders
Take Away Lessons
SECTION II
Principles of Great Sex Lives 93
Introduction: Your Sex Life is Worth Working On
5 Sex Makes You a Better Person
Peace Sometimes Requires War
The Double-Edged Sword of Desire
Self-Esteem, Self-Acceptance, and Other-Acceptance
Between the Hammer and the Anvil
Take Away Lessons
6 Respectful Communication and Productive Negotiation
Be Accepting
From Thought to Action
The Importance of Being Good at Rejection
Take Away Lessons
7 It’s All Foreplay
It All Spills Forward
The Sex Funnel
Quality, Not Just Quantity
Take Away Lessons
8 Make it a Priority
Make and Protect Good Feelings for Sex
Make and Protect Time for Sex
Make and Protect Energy for Sex
Make It Happen
Take Away Lessons
9 Sex 101 (and 201, and 301 . . .)
Healthy Body, Horny Mind
Exciters and Inhibitors: The Sexual Gas and Brake
The Importance of Foreplay
Enjoy the Process
Most Women Don’t Orgasm Just From Intercourse
Share Your Toys
Fantasy vs Action
Sex into the Older Years
Everything is Better With Lube
Specific and/or Narrow Sexual Interests
Whips and Chains and Floggers, Oh My
Take Away Lessons
10 Taking Some Personal Time: Masturbation
The Ethics of Masturbation
Men Masturbate to Make Up the Difference (But Women Don’t as Much)
Are Sex and Masturbation the Same?
Is Masturbation Cheating or Criticism?
Masturbation as Path of Least Resistance
Masturbate Together
Take Away Lessons
11 What About Porn?
Porn Within Your Relationship
The Benefits of Porn
Some Things to Keep in Mind
If Porn is a Personal Problem
If Porn is a Relationship Problem
Porn May Be Problematic, But it isn’t Addictive
Take Away Lessons
SECTION III
Overcome Specific Issues 239
Introduction: The Double-Edged Sword of Sex
12 When the Negotiations Break Down
Disagreements About Our Shared Sexual Repertoire
Disagreements About How Often We Do it
Difficult Sexual Negotiations
Seriously Irreconcilable Differences
Take Away Lessons
13 Problems With Performance and Pleasure
It’s All Connected
Genito-Pelvic Pain/Penetration Disorder
Erectile Disorder: Not the End of the World
Premature Ejaculation: Learn to Slow it Down
Delayed Ejaculation: Almost, Almost, Almost . . .
Problems With Specific Desires
Take Away Lessons
14 Problems With Desire: Not Enough Sex
Desire Downers: Many Potential Sexual Drains
What Does History Teach Us?
What Are Your Goals?
Start Slow
What About Asexuality?
When Desire is Lacking—And Also the Desire to Desire
If You Want to Want it
Where Do Solo Activities Fit?
Take Away Lessons
15 Secret Stuff With Other People: Hookups and Affairs
Fidelity Agreements: What is and isn’t Acceptable?
Preventing Infidelity
Surviving Infidelity
Take Away Lessons
16 Consensual Sex With Other People: Other Arrangements
Covering the Range
The Fantasy Versus the Reality
Not the Solution for Relationship Problems
Maybe the Solution for a Specific Problem
Communication—And Lots of it
Take Away Lessons
17 Lessons for Dating: Begin With the End in Mind
Lessons From Your Past
Lessons From the Survey
What Are You Looking For?
Dating Apps for the Impatient and Impulsive
To Tell or Not to Tell?
Survive and Thrive
Take Away Lessons
18 Final Thoughts
Appendix A: The ADHD Relationship Sex Survey
Appendix B: Provider Directories
Appendix C: Recommended Reading
Literature Cited
Index
Biography
Ari Tuckman, PsyD, CST, is a certified sex therapist and psychologist specializing in the diagnosis and treatment of ADHD in children and adults. A prolific writer and international presenter, this is his fourth book on ADHD. He also hosts the popular podcast "More Attention, Less Deficit" for adults with ADHD.
"Couples in which one partner has ADHD report much less satisfaction in their relationships and may be prone to higher rates of divorce than are typical couples. That is why this book is so important. It is the only one currently available that focuses on the most intimate aspects of a loving relationship among couples and that is their sexual one. With great wit, candor, and sensitivity, Dr. Tuckman not only presents the results of the first large-scale survey of sexual relations in couples where ADHD exists and what problems they may be experiencing. Just as important, he tells you what to do about it. As with his other books on ADHD, readers will find here numerous recommendations for how to improve the quality of their relationship despite one or both members of a couple having adult ADHD. I highly recommend this book not only for couples, but for couple therapists, adult ADHD coaches, mental health professionals who work with adults with ADHD, and students in training in these disciplines as it is the only one currently available that deals with this topic exclusively and in such rich detail."
Russell A. Barkley, PhD, clinical professor of psychiatry, Virginia Treatment Center for Children and
Virginia Commonwealth University School of Medicine, Richmond, VA"In the very capable hands of Dr. Ari Tuckman, sex and ADHD finally get the attention it deserves! Whether you are a person with ADHD, or a partner of one, or just someone who finds themselves driven to distraction in this age of non-stop social media, there are incredibly valuable lessons in ADHD After Dark to help you get sexually focused."
Ian Kerner, PhD, sex therapist and best-selling author of She Comes First.
"Many couples impacted by ADHD struggle, and their sex lives show it. So they rightly ask ‘what will make our sex life better?!’Ari Tuckman, one of the top ADHD therapists in the world, knows. With research to back it up, he shares what strengthens the intimate lives of couples just like you. Read ADHD After Dark, and re-energize those intimate moments!"Melissa Orlov, founder of www.adhdmarriage.com and author of the award-winning book, The Couple’s Guide to Thriving with ADHD.
"Bravo! for Ari Tuckman's ADHD After Dark. It's about time that someone asked real people to talk about real sex and real ADHD and that's what Ari did, and boy, did people ever talk! The result is this hugely valuable, engrossing, and fact-filled book. Both serious and celebratory, this unique book is a gem, the first of its kind, and a true find indeed!"
Edward Hallowell, MD, author of Delivered from Distraction
"Dr. Ari Tuckman is a well-respected expert in the field of adult ADHD. He has the courage to write ADHD After Dark which advocates for awareness of possible effects of ADHD on sexuality and the couple relationship. He understands ADHD as an individual vulnerability, and urges the person and partner to be aware so that ADHD does not subvert sexuality. An important contribution to the ADHD community."
Barry McCarthy, PhD, professor of psychology, American University, Washington, DC, and co-author of Finding Your Sexual Voice: Celebrating Female Sexuality
"ADHD After Dark exposes the devastating impact of ADHD on the sex lives of intimate partners. An online survey provided the data from an extraordinary number of individuals impacted by ADHD - directly or through an intimate relationship. Combining his experience as a systemically trained sex therapist with his proficiency in treating ADHD, the author shares an array of clinical interventions for couples affected by ADHD. Any therapist working with ADHD clients will find this book invaluable for improving sexual intimacy and relationship satisfaction."
Nancy Gambescia, PhD, director, Postgraduate Program in Sex Therapy, Council for Relationships, Philadelphia, PA
"Tuckman’s latest book addresses an important subject that is not often talked about: the impact of ADHD on people's sex and love lives. His work begins an important and much-needed conversation, and it offers practical advice and guidance to couples that can help them effectively navigate challenges and foster happier and healthier sex lives and relationships."
Justin Lehmiller, PhD, author of the blog Sex and Psychology and the book Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life
"In this incredibly compelling book, Dr. Ari Tuckman adeptly combines original research about the sexual relationships, desires and habits of couples living with ADHD to help people find more happiness and connection. Written in a clear, friendly style, he’s not afraid to tell it like it is: asking probing questions and providing honest, thoughtful, and even humorous insights into how spouses can create and maintain healthier, more satisfying intimacy. Useful ‘Take Away Lessons’ at the end of each chapter summarize important points and give readers practical steps to apply immediately. ADHD After Dark offers a positive, non-shaming approach to sexual relationships that is a much needed and significant contribution to the field of psychology. As a family therapist, I will definitely be referring to it and recommending it over and over again."
Sharon Saline, PsyD, author, What your ADHD child wishes you knew: Working together to empower kids for success in school and life
