Getting Past the Affair
A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On -- Together or Apart
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Discovering that a partner has been unfaithful hits you like an earthquake. Long after the first jolt, emotional aftershocks can make it difficult to be there for your family, manage your daily life, and think clearly about your options. Whether you want to end the relationship or piece things back together, Getting Past the Affair guides you through the initial trauma so you can understand what happened and why before deciding how to move forward. Based on the only program that’s been tested--and proven--to relieve destructive emotions in the wake of infidelity, this compassionate book offers support and expert advice from a team of award-winning couple therapists. If you stay with your spouse, you’ll find realistic tips for rebuilding your marriage and restoring trust. But no matter which path you choose, you’ll discover effective ways to recover personally, avoid lasting scars, and pursue healthier relationships in the future.
Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies (ABCT) Self-Help Book of Merit
Table of Contents
I. How Do We Stop Hurting?
1. What's Happening to Us?
2. How Do We Get Through the Day?
3. How Do We Talk with Each Other?
4. How Do We Deal with Others?
5. How Do We Care for Ourselves?
II. How Did This Happen?
6. Why Stir Everything Up?
7. Was My Marriage to Blame?
8. Was It the World Around Us?
9. How Could My Partner Have Done This?
10. What Was My Role?
11. How Do I Make Sense of It All?
III. Can This Marriage Be Saved?
12. How Do I Get Past the Hurt?
13. Can This Marriage Be Saved?
14. What Lies Ahead?
Donald H. Baucom, PhD, is Professor of Psychology at the University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill. His research, funded in part by the National Institutes of Health, focuses on couples and marriage. He lives in Chapel Hill, North Carolina, and was ranked as one of the top marital therapists and researchers in the United States by Good Housekeeping’s national survey of mental health professionals.
Kristina Coop Gordon, PhD, is Associate Professor of Clinical Psychology at the University of Tennessee. Her research focuses on forgiveness, infidelity, and couple therapy. In addition to her academic work, she lives and maintains a private practice in Knoxville, Tennessee.
A worthy and important contribution to understanding and helping couples face one of the worst problems in a marriage.--John M. Gottman, PhD, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work-
It has been 4 years since the affair. The hurt lingered for what felt like forever, but our marriage was too precious to just give up on it. Working through understanding how it happened, and how to finally move past it and recover, was the most important thing. We couldn't have made it without the program in this book.--Ann and Patrick O.
The devastation in our relationship after the revelation of the affair was unbearable. In different ways, we both felt like our hearts were in shreds. Working through the recovery process in this book was a vital part of restoring our marriage. The affair is a part of our history that we’ll never forget, but we learned how to live with it without letting it consume us. Each of us learned important things about ourselves, what made our relationship vulnerable, and how to communicate better. Words cannot express our gratitude!--Melanie and Larry R.
After the revelation of the affair, we were both overwhelmed with extreme emotions. The step-by-step approach outlined in this book gave us a structured and caring means to get through the first couple of months and work to understand how we got to this low point in our marriage. We made it through a very tough time and have a stronger relationship now, due to our greater understanding of both ourselves and each other. Without question, the strategies in this book saved our marriage!--John and Sarah H.
If your relationship is affected by an affair, this is a practical and compassionate guide about how to cope and move on. The book is full of wisdom and understanding, built from decades of experience helping those hurt by affairs. The authors are three eminent therapists who share the stories of people who have had their relationships shaken by an affair. The book describes a series of steps to get back in control of your life. The steps to recovery progress from coping with the initial shock of discovery, through making sense of what happened, to deciding what happens next. The authors suggest practical exercises to do at each step of the recovery process.--W. Kim Halford, PhD, Griffith University, Brisbane, Queensland, Australia
A book of exceptional wisdom, compassion, and practical advice from a dynamite team of therapists and researchers. I wish every couple who has experienced the trauma of an affair would read this remarkable book.--William J. Doherty, PhD, author of Take Back Your Marriage
A calm, clear, and optimistic program for couples going through a crisis of infidelity. This is a wise guide and one I will enthusiastically recommend.--Frank Pittman, MD, author of Private Lies
This book is wise, practical, and thorough. It guides you through the initial trauma of dealing with an affair, then goes beyond most resources in taking you step by step through the process of understanding what happened and deciding what to do next. This book is like a daily 'house call' from your own personal relationship expert. It is a 'must read' for anyone trying to recover from the trauma of an affair and make good decisions about the future.--Peggy Vaughan, DearPeggy.com, author of The Monogamy Myth
Far too many self-help guides patronize the reader, bypassing complexity to offer unrealistic freeways of certainty. This excellent book is a notable exception. Written with clarity, the book treats readers as mature adults. With a wealth of clinical experience, these authors clearly know what they are talking about--they understand the complexity of feelings that need to be addressed to get past an affair, and convey that understanding in accessible language. I am sure this book will be of value to both clients and professionals for many years to come.--Barry Mason, DSysPsych, Institute of Family Therapy, London, UKInformative in helping to further understand some of the issues faced by people who might have been affected by an affair. As a stand-alone program for anyone attempting to make sense of what might be happening to them after an affair has been disclosed, this book would be helpful to both the 'participating partner' and 'injured partner.' It would also be a useful adjunct to working therapeutically with couples and could supplement a therapeutic program. I would recommend this book to anyone working with couple relationships and indeed to any couple I may encounter who are going though or have experienced an affair.--Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 1/8/2007ƒƒA comprehensive self-help text for couples or individuals experiencing an affair. Both the injured partner and the participating partner are specifically addressed with thought-provoking inquiries into their experiences....An underlying theme of hope is written into the entire book.--Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 1/8/2007ƒƒA treasure-trove of clinical wisdom firmly informed by a bedrock of clinical research. The three authors are leading couple researchers that exemplify the scientist-practitioner model of clinical psychology....This is a thorough, thoughtfully laid out book....The book is clearly written as a standalone, self-help book but could easily be used as an adjunct to therapy....A deeply compassionate book, as the authors have clearly worked hard to distill their collective clinical and research wisdom to help couples working through the aftermath of an affair. We will be using it in our own teaching and work with couples and highly recommend it to therapists and couples alike.--The Family Psychologist, 1/8/2007ƒƒ[The authors] have designed a program to help couples overcome an affair, understand why it happened, and consider their best options. A particularly helpful chapter supplies suggestions for talking to children, family members, and friends....Full of examples for applying the information; recommended.--Library Journal, 1/8/2007