2nd Edition

Getting Past the Affair, Second Edition A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On--Together or Apart

    "How could my partner have done this?" "What was my role?" "Can this relationship be saved?" Discovering that your partner has had an affair can feel like an earthquake. Long after the first jolt, the emotional aftershocks can make it hard to be there for your family, go about your daily business, and think clearly about your options. Where can you turn for help? From award-winning couple therapists, this compassionate guide has already provided support and expert advice to tens of thousands of readers. Updated throughout, the second edition confronts the myriad challenges facing couples today. Drawing on the latest research, the authors share vivid stories of diverse partners struggling with infidelity in all its forms--sexual or emotional, in-person or online. Learn how to process what happened, cope with anger and mistrust, and map a way to move forward, whether separately or together.

    I. How Do We Stop Hurting?
    1. What’s Happening to Us?
    2. How Do We Get through the Day?
    3. How Do We Talk with Each Other?
    4. How Do We Deal with Others?
    5. How Do We Care for Ourselves?
    II. How Did This Happen?
    6. Was Our Relationship to Blame?
    7. Was It the World around Us?
    8. How Could My Partner Have Done This?
    9. What Was My Role?
    10. How Do I Make Sense of It All?
    III. How Can We Move Forward?
    11. How Do I Get Past the Hurt?
    12. Can This Relationship Be Saved?
    13. What Lies Ahead?
    Additional Resources


    Douglas K. Snyder, PhD, LMFT, is Professor of Psychological and Brain Sciences at Texas A&M University, where he also served as Director of Clinical Training for 20 years. Dr. Snyder has engaged in clinical practice and training of couple therapists since the 1970s, and is a clinical member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT). He is coauthor or coeditor of several books for mental health professionals and general readers. Dr. Snyder has served as editor of the Clinician’s Research Digest and as associate editor of the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology and the Journal of Family Psychology. He is a recipient of the Distinguished Contribution to Research in Family Therapy Award from AAMFT, the Distinguished Contribution to Family Psychology Award from Division 43 (Society for Couple and Family Psychology) of the American Psychological Association (APA), and the Distinguished Psychologist Award from Division 29 (Society for the Advancement of Psychotherapy) of APA.

    Kristina Coop Gordon, PhD, is Associate Dean of Academic Affairs and Engagement in the College of Education, Health, and Human Sciences at the University of Tennessee. She previously served as a College of Arts and Sciences Excellence Professor and Director of Clinical Training in the Department of Psychology. Dr Gordon has received university-level awards for both her scholarship and her teaching. She is a Fellow of the Society for Couple and Family Psychology, Division 43 of the the American Psychological Association, and served as President and Council Representative for that Division. She serves on the editorial boards of the Journal of Family Psychology, Family Process, and Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice. In addition to Getting Past the Affair, Second Edition (for general readers), Dr. Gordon is coauthor of Helping Couples Get Past the Affair (for mental health professionals). She has a private practice specializing in couple therapy in Knoxville, Tennessee.

    Donald H. Baucom, PhD, is Distinguished Professor of Psychology and Neuroscience at the University of North Carolina (UNC) at Chapel Hill, where he also served as Director of Clinical Training for more than a decade. Dr. Baucom is one of the originators of cognitive-behavioral couple therapy as applied to both relationship distress and individual difficulties within a relational context. He holds an endowed chair at UNC and has received national and university awards for his mentorship of students, as well as university-wide awards for undergraduate and graduate teaching. His several books include the coauthored Getting Past the Affair, Second Edition (for general readers), and Helping Couples Get Past the Affair (for mental health professionals). Dr. Baucom has a private couple therapy practice in Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

    "A worthy and important contribution to understanding and helping couples face one of the worst problems in a relationship."--John M. Gottman, PhD, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

    "The hurt lingered for what felt like forever, but our marriage was too precious to just give up on it. Working through understanding how it happened, and how to finally move past it and recover, was the most important thing. We couldn't have made it without the program in this book."--Ann and Patrick O.

    "It's easy to find simplistic, judgmental advice about dealing with affairs--but hard to find a book like this. Far and away the most important resource to help you understand the meaning of the affair and make healthy decisions about how to move on."--Barry McCarthy, PhD, coauthor of Rekindling Desire

    "After the revelation of the affair, we were both overwhelmed with extreme emotions. The step-by-step approach outlined in this book gave us a structured and caring means to get through the first couple of months and work to understand how we got to this low point in our marriage. We made it through a very tough time and have a stronger relationship now, due to our greater understanding of both ourselves and each other. Without question, the strategies in this book saved our marriage!"--John and Sarah H.

    "If an affair has left you feeling devastated, this book can put you on a path toward healing by providing hope, direction, and clarity. The second edition takes an already classic resource and makes it even better for couples with diverse backgrounds and types of relationships. This is the book that I recommend to anyone struggling with infidelity."--Anthony L. Chambers, PhD, ABPP, former president, American Academy of Couple and Family Psychology

    "A powerful book for any couple dealing with the aftershocks of an affair. This is an indispensable guide to managing painful emotions and making sense of the chaos. When you are experiencing an unbearable sense of aloneness, this book helps you find a way to and feel heard, seen, and, ultimately, understood."--Rhonda Goldman, PhD, Department of Clinical Psychology, The Chicago School of Professional Psychology

    "Thoughtful, compassionate, and practical. The authors take you through the key phases of both discovering and recovering from infidelity. Whether you have been injured by an affair or have engaged in one, you should read this book."--Andrew Christensen, PhD, coauthor of Reconcilable Differences

    "The second edition of this exceptional book is the best resource available on the topic. The authors are top experts who have decades of practical experience with couples. I recommend this book to everyone struggling to navigate the vortex of an affair and come out the other side to a better life."--William J. Doherty, PhD, author of Take Back Your Marriage

    “A standard in our field.”--Eli Karam, PhD, LMFT, host of the AAMFT Podcast
    -A comprehensive self-help text for couples or individuals experiencing an affair. Both the injured partner and the participating partner are specifically addressed with thought-provoking inquiries into their experiences....An underlying theme of hope is written into the entire book. (on the first edition)--Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy, 9/1/2007ƒƒA treasure-trove of clinical wisdom firmly informed by a bedrock of clinical research. The three authors are leading couple researchers that exemplify the scientist–practitioner model of clinical psychology....The book is clearly written as a stand-alone self-help book, but could easily be used as an adjunct to therapy....A deeply compassionate book, as the authors have clearly worked hard to distill their collective clinical and research wisdom to help couples working through the aftermath of an affair. We will be using it in our own teaching and work with couples and highly recommend it to therapists and couples alike. (on the first edition)--The Family Psychologist, 10/1/2007ƒƒ[The authors] have designed a program to help couples overcome an affair, understand why it happened, and consider their best options. A particularly helpful chapter supplies suggestions for talking to children, family members, and friends....Full of case studies and examples for applying the information; recommended. (on the first edition)--Library Journal, 9/1/2007ƒƒInformative in helping to further understand some of the issues faced by people who might have been affected by an affair. As a stand-alone program for anyone attempting to make sense of what might be happening to them after an affair has been disclosed, this book would be helpful to both the 'participating partner' and 'injured partner.' It would also be a useful adjunct to working therapeutically with couples and could supplement a therapeutic program. I would recommend this book to anyone working with couple relationships and indeed to any couple I may encounter who are going though or have experienced an affair. (on the first edition)--Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 8/1/2007