Fighting for Connection Perspectives on Conflict and Intimate Partner Violence

Introduction: The Birth Of A Story About Partner Violence  1. Is This Partner Violence?  2. Do We Love Each Other When We Hurt Each Other So Much?  3. What’s Going On Between Us?!  4. Is Something Wrong With Me, You Or Us?  5. Why Is It So Hard To Talk About This?  6. Is This Harmful To Our Children?  7. Will This Fight Ever End?

Biography

Jef Slootmaeckers, LMFT, is the director of EFT-Belgium and a certified EFT therapist, supervisor, and trainer. He specializes in working with intimate partner violence, trauma, shame, and aggression. Jef delivers EFT and violence trainings internationally.

Lieven Migerode, C.Psych., MFT, is the founder of EFT-Belgium and a certified EFT therapist, supervisor, and trainer emeritus. With 40 years of couples therapy experience, he co-teaches EFT and violence with Jef Slootmaeckers and has published several books and articles on love and partner violence.

Linne De Loof is a clinical psychologist, contextual systemic therapist, and EFT therapist and supervisor. She works with individuals, families, and especially couples, helping them in their quest for a safe connection. Her interest in human dynamics and passion for language is reflected in several publications and books.

“De Loof skillfully guides the reader through conversations with Slootmaeckers and Migerode that offer a unique and helpful perspective on partner violence that is a great asset for all types of couples struggling with escalating conflict that ends in violence. While intended as a self-help book, it is also a terrific resource for therapists. By presenting love and violence as two sides of the same coin, they counter the taboo of speaking about situational partner violence and the shame of continuing to love someone who deeply hurts them physically and emotionally. They shift common, scrutinizing questions of, ‘What is wrong with you? with me? with us?’ to the nonjudgmental question of, ‘What is happening between us?’

They openly acknowledge the influence of Johnson’s attachment-oriented emotionally focused therapy (EFT) model, as they reframe the stigma-laden language of perpetrator, victim, power-seeking and anger issues to the attachment-oriented view of aggression as contact-seeking or distance-seeking behaviors stuck in repeating cycles of pain and powerlessness. Providing language to talk safely about partner violence, they describe vividly and compassionately how a loving connection can turn into cycles of pain.

The book paves a path of safety to talk openly about partner violence for those experiencing it first hand while isolating in a pressure cooker of shame and fear. While consistently finding the goodness in partners whose behavior has gotten out of control, and highlighting couples’ desire to stop the violence, Jef and Lieven provide an indispensable guidebook for partners willing to take responsibility to stop violent escalations. This is a vital resource to help partners to experience violence as a wake-up call to work together toward change to achieve the interpersonal safety, security, and connection they desire.”

Lorrie Brubacher, M.Ed., LMFT, author of Stepping into Emotionally Focused Therapy: Key Ingredients of Change, 2nd ed., (Routledge, 2025), Adjunct, UNC Greensboro, NC, EFT Trainer http://www.dkceft.dk/

“This book is a must read for anyone interested in better understanding the emotional and relational undercurrent that can lead to escalating arguments and violence in relationships, the aftermath that follows, and the path home, from disconnection to connection. With the wisdom gleaned from their shared table, their therapy spaces, and beyond, Jef and Lieven offer readers a close up look at a topic that is often hidden. Woven throughout this book are excerpts of their dialogue, stories of people grappling with the scars of violence in relationships, and, most importantly, answers to the key questions that offer compassion, care, and clarity. Whether you are a therapist, a client, or someone searching for the answers to your own proclivity to react rather than reach during times of interpersonal threat, perceived danger, or loss, this beautifully written and accessible book will most certainly prove a trustworthy companion and guide out of helplessness and defeat into hope and resilience. Most certainly, if you or someone you know is caught in the throes of disconnection and fighting for connection, this book will provide a much-needed perspective. Highly recommended!”

Dr. T. Leanne Campbell, Registered Psychologist and ICEEFT Executive Board Member

“How can two people love each other deeply and still hurt each other so profoundly? This question sits at the center of this book, which offers a thoughtful and compassionate way of understanding partner violence without reducing it to blame or pathology. Rather than asking what is ‘wrong’ with one partner or the other, the authors keep the focus where it belongs: on what happens between two people in an intimate relationship when fear, longing, and loss of connection collide.

One of the book’s great strengths is how clearly it situates partner violence within the context of attachment and escalation. Many couples describe the painful realization that they have ‘crossed a line’ they never wanted to cross. The authors treat this moment not as proof that love is absent, but as a signal that something essential has broken down in the relationship’s ability to regulate intense emotion. Violence, in this framing, is not separate from love; it often emerges from its rupture.

The distinction between hot and cold partner violence is especially useful. Cold violence, one-sided and instrumental, is what most people imagine when they hear the term, but it is relatively rare. Far more common is hot violence, which unfolds in relationships marked by emotional closeness, mutual vulnerability, and unresolved attachment pain. Naming this difference allows for greater clarity, responsibility, and more accurate clinical understanding.

The authors’ use of the ‘Finally!’ moment, the sense of arrival and belonging that accompanies falling in love, beautifully captures why conflict can hurt so much. Love answers deep questions: Am I good enough? Are you there for me? Do I belong? When those questions are threatened, the pain can feel overwhelming. Partners respond by moving toward each other or pulling away and this familiar dance can escalate until words are no longer enough. The book helps readers see how quickly attachment fear can take over and how easily it can tip into destructive behavior.

The authors are also honest about why it is so hard to talk about partner violence. People are told to speak up, yet also hear that violence is dangerous, forbidden, and shameful. Many couples become stuck between fear of consequences, fear of escalation, and fear of how they will be judged. Shame plays a central role here, shaping responses such as withdrawal, attack, self-blame, or avoidance. At the same time, the book captures the relief that can come when vulnerable feelings are finally spoken and met with presence rather than rejection.

The impact on children is addressed with care and realism. Asking whether conflict is harming one’s children is framed as a sign of concern, not failure. While parents cannot undo what has already happened, they can acknowledge it, talk about it, and reassure their children that safety and repair matter. This simple but powerful shift can ease fear and interrupt the repetition of painful patterns across generations.

Importantly, the book challenges the belief that once violence appears, it inevitably worsens. Research and clinical experience suggest otherwise. Many couples do stop the violence, especially when they learn to recognize escalation earlier and take responsibility together for changing how they fight. The authors make clear that lasting change does not happen when one is alone, but it happens in a relationship.

This is not a book of quick solutions. It is a grounded, humane guide for couples and clinicians willing to face painful dynamics with honesty, care, and hope. I highly recommend it to anyone committed to helping relationships move toward greater safety, responsibility, and connection.”

Jette Sinkjær Simon, Clinical Psychologist, Specialist in Psychotherapy and Supervision, Director of the Danish Center for Emotionally Focused Therapy