Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships What Works — and What Doesn't

Part 1: Laying the Foundation:   1. A Map for Stepfamilies;   2. What Makes Stepfamilies Different; Part 2: The Five Challenges; 3. First challenge: Insider/Outsider Positions Are Intense. Stepfamily Structure Keeps Them Stuck  4. Second Challenge: Children Need Help with Losses, Loyalty Binds and Change; 5. Third Challenge: Parenting, Stepparenting and Discipline in Stepfamilies;  6.Fourth Challenge: Forming a New Family Culture -- Honoring Differences While Building Shared Ground; 7. Fifth Challenge: Ex-spouses -- Another Parent Dead or Alive Is a Permanent Part of Every Stepfamily; Part 3: "Diverse" Stepfamilies  8. Stepfamilies Headed by Lesbian and Gay Couples; 9. African American Stepfamilies: Strengths We Can Learn From; 10. Latino Stepfamilies; 11. New Wrinkles: Stepfamilies in Later Life; 12. Stepfamily Challenges in Collectivist Cultures; Part 4: Skills Toolboxes: 13. Level I: Toolboxes for Effective Psychoeducation; 14. Level II: Toolboxes for Communication Skills and Interpersonal Work 15. Working on Level III: A Toolbox for Intrapsychic Work; 16. Clinical Work with Stepfamilies: An Overview  Part 5: Stepfamilies Over Time: 17. Stepfamily Development Over Time  18. Six Patterns of Becoming a Stepfamily  19. Forging New Bonds While Honoring Old Ones: Anna and Jim Move from Surviving to Thriving  Conclusion

Biography

Patricia L. Papernow, EdD, is a globally recognized expert on stepfamilies. Her work has shaped the way clinicians, family law professionals, educators, clergy, and families understand stepfamily dynamics. She teaches throughout the US and internationally and has authored dozens of articles and book chapters as well as the leading books in the field. She has received awards from the American Psychological Association Society for Couple and Family Therapy and the American Family Therapy Academy for her contributions to family psychology and family therapy.

“Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships is the wise companion every stepfamily deserves. Patricia Papernow understands, at a deeply human level, why loving in a stepfamily can be so complicated. With warmth, clarity, and decades of experience, she names the invisible dynamics that leave partners and children feeling stuck, and offers practical, compassionate, research-based guidance that truly helps. You will come away with concrete tools to build connection, ease tension, and build a stepfamily life that genuinely works.”

 Angela Abela, PhD, Professor at the Child and Family Studies Department, Faculty for Social Wellbeing, University of Malta

 

“Dr. Papernow seamlessly blends her unmatched clinical wisdom with the best current research on what truly helps stepfamilies thrive. The result is a clear, compassionate, and deeply practical roadmap for navigating stepfamily relationships—one I could not endorse more enthusiastically and wholeheartedly.”

 Todd M. Jensen, PhD, MSW, Assistant Professor, University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, Director, Thriving Through Family Transitions Research Lab

 

“Patricia Papernow’s 2^nd edition of Surviving and Thriving is a must read for anyone who is interested in stepfamilies. Drawing from her groundbreaking clinical experience and a deep understanding of the research on stepfamilies, Papernow’s engaging writing style makes it easy for readers to grasp even complex ideas. Clinicians certainly will benefit from reading this book, but so will stepfamily members, educators, and researchers.”

 Lawrence Ganong, PhD, Professor Emeritus, University of Missouri, author What Works in Stepfamilies

 

 

“This book is a treasure. Patricia Papernow brings rare clarity and compassion to the complex experiences of every member of a stepfamily, helping readers understand each perspective in ways that can be genuinely transformative. Engaging, wise, and immensely practical, this book is a wonderful guide for anyone navigating stepfamily life.”

 Anne Hallward M.D.  Host and Founder, Safe Space Radio  Clinical Assistant Professor in Psychiatry, Tufts University School of Medicine 

 

“Patricia Papernow skillfully filters the immensity of stepfamily research into guidance that feels clear, compassionate, and accessible for both professionals and stepfamily members. Surviving and Thriving delivers the evidenced-based roadmap stepfamilies have long needed. It highlights the challenges while showing, with clarity and empathy, what is truly helpful.”

 Lilly Elizabeth GIbson, Psychotherapist, Stepmom Coach

 

 

“The word stepfamilies has become synonymous with the work of Dr. Patricia Papernow, who for over five decades has provided guiding maps for therapists and families navigating this complex family structure. Her work is distinguished by clear, practical clinical wisdom and vivid relatable storytelling. In this second edition of Surviving and Thriving she integrates the growing body of high-quality research on stepfamilies with the hard-won insights of decades in the field. 

This book will be indispensable for professionals across a broad spectrum -- from newly minted therapists to senior family clinicians, from pediatricians to judges -- as well as for the millions of stepfamilies who seek straightforward, empowering language about what truly works in creating healthy stepfamily relationships. This highly readable book is a gift to stepfamilies, and to those of us who work with them.” 

Anne K. Fishel, PhD, Director, Family and Couples Therapy Program, Massachusetts General Hospital, Associate Professor of Psychiatry, Harvard Medical School

“Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships should be required reading for anyone who works with families. While the first edition established Patricia Papernow as a leading voice in the field, this second edition deepens that essential work. With rigor and compassion, Papernow illuminates the structural dynamics of stepfamily life, weaving in cutting-edge research with vivid clinical examples and expanded attention to diverse stepfamilies. This book speaks to both clinicians and stepfamily members not as a book of quick fixes, but an honest, profoundly useful map that reduces shame, increases understanding, and restores possibility.”

Cameron Normand, JD, MEd, CEO, Stepfamily Solutions

 

"Stepfamilies are common. Expertise about them is not. With extraordinary clarity and heart, the second edition of Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships by Patricia Papernow offers the most clinically useful roadmap available for understanding and helping stepfamilies.  Dr. Papernow identifies five predictable structural challenges inherent in stepfamily life and pairs them with a three-level framework for intervention, creating a powerful bridge between research and practice. She helps us understand not only what stepfamilies struggle with, but why - and most importantly, how to respond in ways that reduce shame, prevent polarization, and build resilience.

This book should be required reading for therapists, family law professionals, mediators, parenting coordinators, and all who work with post-divorce families."

 Robin M. Deutsch, Ph.D., ABPP, Parenting coordinator, family law educator and consultant 

 

“We all work with stepfamilies but often don’t appreciate the push and pull of these relationship dynamics.  Dr. Papernow has mapped the unique emotional landscape of this family constellation. Without this road map and clinical vocabulary, we may remain blind to the stepfamily's unique challenges and struggles. A must read for anyone working with families.”

 Guy Diamond, Ph.D., President, Attachment Based Family Therapy International Training Institute Professor Emeritus, University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine

 

“Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships by Patricia Papernow has been an exceptional and unique contribution to our work with stepfamilies at Styrk Familier in Copenhagen. Papernow’s evidence-based knowledge of the five core challenges facing couples who seek to build a healthy and well-functioning stepfamily—where both children and adults can thrive over time—has profoundly informed and strengthened our practice.Through this framework, I have seen many stepfamilies feel recognized and normalized in their struggles. They gain language for what feels difficult and overwhelming, and they find pathways and hope in the complex and demanding process of creating a sustainable stepfamily life. This book is essential reading for all professionals working with stepfamilies.”

 Soren Marcusen, Director for Couples, Divorce and Stepfamilies Styrk Familier, Copenhagen Psychotherapist

 

 

“The second edition of Surviving and Thriving is an exceptional and timely update with the ability to support stepfamilies and clinicians working with them for decades to come. Dr. Patricia Papernow eloquently integrates research, clinical practice, and lived experience, with strong and intentional attention paid to the diversity of stepfamilies. Through thoughtfully woven case examples, Papernow helps readers translate complex stepfamily dynamics into clear, compassionate, and practical guidance. This update is a must-read for researchers, practitioners, and stepfamilies alike.”

 Brad van Eeden-Moorefield, MSW, PhD, CFLE, Professor of Family Science and Human Development and Senior Fellow for Fostering Unity in the College for Community Health, Montclair State University 

 

“Patricia Papernow has written THE roadmap to help clinicians and families navigate the choppy waters of stepfamily relationships.  She covers complex and varied issues in a well organized, thoughtful approach which helps address difficulties stepfamilies face on multiple levels.  The breakdown of the interventions into three levels, with Psychoeducation, Interpersonal Skills and Intrapsychic/Family-of-Origin issues, helps organize the clinicians thinking and ability to intervene where appropriate, working practically, as well as doing the deeper work to help the family system.  Her Five Challenges and multiple case descriptions really help to understand the key issues that face second families and make it applicable to the clients we see in our offices.  I was blown away by the first edition and really enjoyed the updated research, increased inclusivity and other updates since her first publication in 2013.  This is the go-to book for clinicians working with blended families and has been a helpful recommendation to clients as well.”

W. Keith Sutton, Psy.D., Director of the Institute for the Advancement of Psychotherapy

 

“As a family law attorney with a PhD in social work, I work daily with high-conflict divorce and its impact on families. As a custody evaluator, therapist, mediator, and co-parenting coach, I see how quickly unsupported stepfamily tensions spiral into toxic legal battles.  This book is a gift to families and professionals alike.  Grounded in decades of research and clinical wisdom, it normalizes the inherent challenges of stepfamily life and offers practical, compassionate guidance that protects children, empowers adults, and prevents needless harm. It belongs on the desk of anyone working with—or living in—a stepfamily.”

Premela Deck, JD, PhD, LICSW, CEO of SD Family Services, Inc.

 

“This book is evidence-informed hope for stepfamilies.  Readers, both families and professionals, have every reason to expect that applying the information and stories and strategies described here will lead to healthy, thriving stepfamily life.  Dr. Papernow is the leading global authority on clinical work with stepfamilies and she beautifully blends, in her caring and detailed way, her decades of experience with thousands of stepfamilies and the state-of-the-science empirical information on stepfamily prevalence, dynamics, and effective practices.  This is THE stepfamily resource book to own.”

 Francesca Adler-Baeder, Ph.D., CFLE, Director, National Stepfamily Resource Center Auburn University, AL

 

“Worldwide Dr. Papernow is the most significant voice in the stepfamily field. This new edition of Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships will be at the top of my recommended reading list for the clinicians I train. Dr. Papernow's careful integration of research, change tactics, the art of family therapy, and detailed insights into the experience of children and adults makes this work the clearest, most efficacious clinical guide available. Given the prevalence of step relationships throughout the world, this is an absolute must read for anyone who works with couples, families, and/or children.”

 Ron L. Deal, LMFT, LPC, founding president of SmartStepfamilies.com and author/coauthor of The Smart Stepfamily, Preparing to Blend, Building Love Together in Blended Families, and The Mindful Marriage