1st Edition

When It's Time to Leave Your Lover A Guide for Gay Men

By Neil Kaminsky Copyright 1999
    306 Pages
    by Routledge

    306 Pages
    by Routledge

    When It's Time to Leave Your Lover: A Guide for Gay Men is for people who need help ending a gay male relationship that is no longer viable or for friends and family who want to support a gay man experiencing a breakup. This book provides tips on how to successfully cope with the post-breakup period and how to grow emotionally from the experience. You will discover how to tell a lover good-bye while learning about the psychological and social changes to be anticipated in this situation. When It's Time to Leave Your Lover gives you helpful, practical advice on how to cope with ending a relationship in a positive and constructive manner.

    This unique book contains actual interviews with gay men and vignettes that clearly illustrate the topics. They provide you with a deeper understanding of all aspects of the break-up period. When It's Time to Leave Your Lover is a unique how-to book that gives you helpful and practical advice on such important issues as:

    • making an assessment of your relationship to determine if it is no longer viable
    • constructively leaving your partner and making it a positive experience
    • coping with the uncoupling experience by using specific techniques to avoid common mistakes such as the rebound relationship
    • growing from your uncoupling experience so you can enjoy more fulfilling relationships in the future
    • managing the social and psychological effects of a breakup through use of your support system of family and friends
    • seeking support through specific organizations available in several different cities that help gay men deal with breakups
    Sincere and full of knowledgeable advice, When It's Time to Leave Your Lover offers proven suggestions that will help you revisit the mistakes you made during your relationship, preparing you for more satisfying relationships in the future that are based on compatibility, respect, and trust. A valuable and reader-friendly book, When It's Time to Leave Your Lover will enhance your understanding of the break-up experience and will help you understand, learn from, and get past the heartache of ending a relationship.



    Who Could Benefit from This Book

    Value-Free Descriptions of Human Behavior Do Not Exist

    What I Do Not Address in This Book

    The Term "Gay Community"

    How to Use, and How Not to Use, This Book

    Chapter Outline

    Ambivalence and Uncoupling

    Couples Therapy and Staying together

    Homophobia and (I'm Not Paranoid) Our Enemies

    Chapter 1. Lovesick

    Chapter 2. Reinventing Your Life: Making the Decision to Leave Him

    Resistance to Letting Go

    Confusion from the Start

    A Change in Needs

    Separation/Individuation versus Merging

    Loving a Fantasy


    What Love Can't Do

    Friends Before Lovers


    Chemicals and Physical Violence

    Never Forgiven

    Power and Control


    Dysfunctional Needs

    Self-Image and Second-Class Relationship

    Obligation versus Desire

    The Opposite of Emotional Support


    The One-Person Relationship

    Putting It Together

    Chapter 3. How to Break Up Like a Grown-Up: Healthy Ways of Saying Good-Bye

    The Breakup Fight

    Breaking Up Is Your Decision


    Anger and Punishment

    Where and How to Do It: Practical Considerations

    Crying and Manipulation and Forgetting the Whole Thing

    Drinking, Other Chemicals, and Your Physical Stamina


    What and What Not to Say

    Moving Out

    Getting Your Stuff Back

    A Work on Behavior and Thoughts and Feelings

    Now That You Are Single

    Chapter 4. A Time of Pain: Dealing with the Emotional Aftermath of a Gay Divorce

    Abrupt Loss and Sadness

    Depression Is Not Sadness

    Identity Disruption

    Confusion and Unreality


    Failure and Homophobic Failure Messages

    Chapter 5. You No Longer Live Here: Social and Other Life Changes of Breaking Up

    Running into Your Ex on the Street and in Other Places

    Explaining Your New Status to the World

    Relationship Secrets Becoming Public

    Unsolicited and Solicited Information About Him

    What Happens to His Friends and You?

    What About Your Friends and Him?

    The Ex, Friends, and Sex: Can Your Friends Now Date Your Ex?

    Your Free Time: Anxiety and New Activities

    Chapter 6. Creating the Ex-Relationship: Developing the Kind of Contact You Want

    Contacting Him

    Your First Meeting Together

    Your New Association

    What If Your Have No Interest in Ever Seeing Him Again?

    When You Should Have Nothing to Do with Him Again

    Reasons You Want to See Him

    In Summary

    Chapter 7. Remembering the Misery: Why You Shouldn't Go Back

    Self-Esteem Issues

    Remembering the Misery (Emotionally)

    How Do You Rate Your Current Life?

    A Unilateral Decision Again

    If the Future Is Without Him

    Chapter 8. Alone Again: Facing the Difficulties, Appreciating the Benefits

    Growing Up

    The Real Lousy Parts of Being Without a Lover

    The Need to Connect

    Being in Love Again

    The Benefits of Being Alone

    Reevaluating Your Life: A Time for Major Life Change

    Dating: Fun with a Purpose

    Chapter 9. How to Say No to the Rebound Trap: Taking a Relationship Vacation

    You Need a Vacation

    What Is Rebounding

    Grieving and Rebounding

    Bad Feelings About Gay Relationships

    Bad Feelings Engendered in Your Ex

    But Not Even Dating? Come on, Give Me a Break

    How Do You Avoid Rebounding?


    Neil Kaminsky