Acknowledgments
Introduction
Who Could Benefit from This Book
Value-Free Descriptions of Human Behavior Do Not Exist
What I Do Not Address in This Book
The Term "Gay Community"
How to Use, and How Not to Use, This Book
Chapter Outline
Ambivalence and Uncoupling
Couples Therapy and Staying together
Homophobia and (I'm Not Paranoid) Our Enemies
Chapter 1. Lovesick
Chapter 2. Reinventing Your Life: Making the Decision to Leave Him
Resistance to Letting Go
Confusion from the Start
A Change in Needs
Separation/Individuation versus Merging
Loving a Fantasy
Trust
What Love Can't Do
Friends Before Lovers
Denial
Chemicals and Physical Violence
Never Forgiven
Power and Control
Jealousy
Dysfunctional Needs
Self-Image and Second-Class Relationship
Obligation versus Desire
The Opposite of Emotional Support
Sex
The One-Person Relationship
Putting It Together
Chapter 3. How to Break Up Like a Grown-Up: Healthy Ways of Saying Good-Bye
The Breakup Fight
Breaking Up Is Your Decision
Acceptance
Anger and Punishment
Where and How to Do It: Practical Considerations
Crying and Manipulation and Forgetting the Whole Thing
Drinking, Other Chemicals, and Your Physical Stamina
Violence
What and What Not to Say
Moving Out
Getting Your Stuff Back
A Work on Behavior and Thoughts and Feelings
Now That You Are Single
Chapter 4. A Time of Pain: Dealing with the Emotional Aftermath of a Gay Divorce
Abrupt Loss and Sadness
Depression Is Not Sadness
Identity Disruption
Confusion and Unreality
Disappointment
Failure and Homophobic Failure Messages
Chapter 5. You No Longer Live Here: Social and Other Life Changes of Breaking Up
Running into Your Ex on the Street and in Other Places
Explaining Your New Status to the World
Relationship Secrets Becoming Public
Unsolicited and Solicited Information About Him
What Happens to His Friends and You?
What About Your Friends and Him?
The Ex, Friends, and Sex: Can Your Friends Now Date Your Ex?
Your Free Time: Anxiety and New Activities
Chapter 6. Creating the Ex-Relationship: Developing the Kind of Contact You Want
Contacting Him
Your First Meeting Together
Your New Association
What If Your Have No Interest in Ever Seeing Him Again?
When You Should Have Nothing to Do with Him Again
Reasons You Want to See Him
In Summary
Chapter 7. Remembering the Misery: Why You Shouldn't Go Back
Self-Esteem Issues
Remembering the Misery (Emotionally)
How Do You Rate Your Current Life?
A Unilateral Decision Again
If the Future Is Without Him
Chapter 8. Alone Again: Facing the Difficulties, Appreciating the Benefits
Growing Up
The Real Lousy Parts of Being Without a Lover
The Need to Connect
Being in Love Again
The Benefits of Being Alone
Reevaluating Your Life: A Time for Major Life Change
Dating: Fun with a Purpose
Chapter 9. How to Say No to the Rebound Trap: Taking a Relationship Vacation
You Need a Vacation
What Is Rebounding
Grieving and Rebounding
Bad Feelings About Gay Relationships
Bad Feelings Engendered in Your Ex
But Not Even Dating? Come on, Give Me a Break
How Do You Avoid Rebounding?
Biography
Neil Kaminsky
